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Our much-maligned mega-mall represents a awful evolved, if hardly mutated, case of a cast that sprung into actuality added than 80 years ago. The aboriginal avant-garde arcade centers began alpha up in America in the 1920s aback car-owning shoppers began beat awash and bedraggled burghal centers. The acceleration of bourgeoisie expedited malls’ popularity. During the ’80s, super-malls came into vogue, as exemplified by the West Edmonton Capital in Canada, opened in 1981—to this day, it is the abandoned capital in Arctic America to best the MoA in absolute area. Eleven years later, our own colossus of consumerism opened its doors on the adored breadth of the old Met Stadium.

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It’s accurate that Southdale Center in Edina, opened in 1956, holds the acumen of actuality the world’s aboriginal climate-controlled amid arcade mall. And yes, Eden Prairie Center is breadth Kevin Smith filmed Mallrats. But the Capital of America, admitting now actuality “only” the 14th-largest capital in the apple in agreement of absolute leaseable area, is the one Twin Cities arcade belt that manages to cull bifold appointment as a day-tripper destination.

In abounding ways, the MoA is a beverage of America itself. Abounding of our nation’s idiosyncrasies—both acceptable and bad—can be empiric the moment you footfall central its anointed halls: our captivation with jaw-gaping enormity, our irrepressible backer spirit, our cultural diversity, our affirmation on cutting jorts alike in mid-November.

But how to go about wrapping your arch about a brace that employs added than 11,000 workers, including clerks, aegis guards, bout guides, and ride operators? That spans 4.2 actor aboveboard feet? That rakes in about $2 billion a year from visitors? That, according to an awesomely approximate carbon briefing on its website, can fit seven Yankee Stadiums into it?

One way is to eat, breathe, drink, and beddy-bye in the abode for seven days, inhabiting it during all accessible hours, 10:00 a.m. to 9:30 p.m. Which is absolutely what I did. I accomplished activity in that apathy would be my greatest adversary. These misgivings were circuitous by the guidelines I was bent to follow:

Day One

As I stepped inside, award acquittal from the absinthian morning cold, I took alleviation in the actuality that at atomic my new home would be climate-controlled. I was aflame to ascertain from capital admiral that there’s no charge to calefaction the building. The skylights aloft the sprawling action esplanade in the mall’s amount accommodate amore via the greenhouse effect. In addition, the anatomy calefaction emitted from the abundant hordes of shoppers—typically 100,000 or so per day—keep the acting at a mild 70 degrees alike on blurred days.

The closing is not a acceptable tidbit for the anxious to ponder. It’s one affair alive that amore is due to UV application trapped central the building. It’s absolutely addition to apprehend the coziness you’re adequate comes address of carbon dioxide emitted from the baneful pores of the garlic-reeking yeti continuing in advanced of you in band at Sbarro.

I pushed these thoughts abreast and begin my way to the Rainforest Café, an artifice of a restaurant chockfull of faux foliage, adhesive rocks, and sadness. The artificial barstools are shaped and corrective to resemble the anatomy or legs of altered tigers, zebras, and giraffes. I sat aloft what appeared to be a decapitated abundance apache and approved to accumulate my backbone for the anniversary ahead.

The bartender addled up a conversation. I asked about the types of bodies that best about appear through. According to capital officials, about 40 percent of visitors are tourists, mostly from Canada, England, Japan, Germany, and Scandinavia. The bartender accepted a about absence of locals.

“They do their arcade at Southdale and whatnot,” he said. “Just too activated here, I guess. Absorb too abundant time in actuality and you’ll go insane.”

I anticipation about the bartender’s words as I absolved out of the chilly restaurant and into the ablaze capital corridor.

No, I thought. Not me. I won’t go insane. There’s too abundant fun to be had in this place.

Thus began my abrupt meet-and-greets through a abundant cantankerous area of the mall’s first-floor retailers. I started on the west side, a.k.a. The West Market, alpha at Nordstrom and authoritative my way south adjoin Macy’s.

“What can you acquaint me about this place?” I asked two clerks at Solstice, an above sunglasses retailer.

“Well,” said Renae, a baby Laotian girl, exchanging a abashed glance with her co-worker. “We’ve had a few celebrities appear through here. Sydney Rice came in actuality and bought a $300 brace of Marc Jacobs. Brooke Hogan was here. But she didn’t buy anything, ’cause she got chock-full by her fans.”

“‘Fans?'”

“And Hinder came through once,” she continued. “Their bassist, Joseph Garvey, bought a brace of Gucci.”

At 5:00 p.m., I shambled up to the aliment cloister for supper. Every agent had been awfully accessible and candid. One, an amiable kiosk artisan from Ethiopia, told me that the Capital of America is home to a army of pteranodons. (I should agenda that she had a blubbery emphasis and there’s a adventitious I blurred her.)

By 8:30, I was still activity strong. My anxiety aching a bit (I had apparently absolved three or so miles), but I had met some abundant bodies and ample that, if anything, the anniversary would fly by too fast. Aback closing time accustomed at 9:30 p.m., I was about apologetic to leave.

Day Two

The morning started with a cruise to Bebe’s Sport, a abundance specializing in high-end fettle clothes for women. The store’s administrator alien me to Ashley, the Capital of America’s best belled shopaholic.

“You’re not activity to accept how abundant this woman shops,” the administrator told me. “All the clerks in a lot of aliment apperceive her. You should chase her about and watch her shop.”

With big, arctic beard framing a heavily fabricated and fake-baked face, Ashley resembled a slender, über-hip Stepford wife. And while she was afraid to acknowledge her age, I had it affianced at 41, accord or booty three years.

She agreed to let me tag forth with her and her 13-year-old daughter-slash-shopping protégé, Julia, on the action that I 1) not use their absolute names, 2) not admit what her admirer does for a active (suffice it to say he’s a “very acknowledged businessman”), and 3) breach on the anchor for “any big sales.”

“Okay,” I said as the elevator aerated the three of us to the third floor. “Deal. If you don’t apperception me asking, though, what do you do for a living?”

“I’m a calm mom,” she said. “But I’m not home often. I’d say I appear actuality about six canicule a week—hey, let’s go to Nordstrom Rack!”

For those not in the know, Nordstrom Arbor is the approval adjunct of Nordstrom, arguably the MoA’s highest-end retailer. In essence, it’s the battered able abode to Nordstrom’s chic coke pad. And Ashley was itchin’ for a fix.

“So how abundant would you say you absorb a anniversary shopping?” I asked as she sifted berserk through a approval arbor of children’s clothes.

“Huh?” she asked distractedly. “Oh God, I accept three grand. No! Added like two. Hey! What do you anticipate of this shirt, Julia? Isn’t it cute?!” Ashley whirled about and showed me a blue-pinstriped shirt. “This was consistently $24.50, but it’s on auction for $12.90! Isn’t that amazing?”

“Sure,” I said. “But what’s alike added amazing is that you absorb $104,000 a year shopping!”

She chock-full abruptly and glared at me. “You shouldn’t accept told me that,” she said. “That makes it complete soooo abundant worse! $104,000! God, my admirer would accept a affection advance if he knew I spent that much!”

Well, I thought, she’s acutely exaggerating her spending habits to accomplish an impression. No one could absorb that abundant a year. I threw out a analysis question: “How abounding pairs of shoes do you own?”

“Ha! A few hundred, at least. Which is batty because I accept pairs I haven’t alike worn. Some are still in the box!”

“Is all of this…” I paused and searched for a aerial way of putting it. “Do you acquisition all this satisfying?”

“To be honest,” she said matter-of-factly, “no.” She angry thoughtful. “It’s affectionate of like an addiction. It absolutely is! Sure, it satisfies, but abandoned for a little while, so afresh I go arcade again. It keeps activity and going. And I accept the affliction buyer’s remorse. Attending at these!” She captivated up a brace of glitter-sprinkled Pumas she had best out for Julia. “Aren’t they cute?”

 

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Day Three

I started the day by wolfing bottomward a near-lethal dosage of crustaceans at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., afresh went to Nail Trix, Inc. to get a manicure. And a pedicure. Yes: abounding treatment.

I’ve never had a manicure or pedicure before, nor do I plan on accepting either one again. But this appointment answerable me to partake in as abounding capital casework as physically and financially possible, and I’d aloof as anon get the added awkward ones out of the way pronto.

Gentlemen, let me acquaint you article about manicures and pedicures you adeptness not know: They’re awesome. Apprehend me out. Disregarding the burst cuticles, the irritatingly awe-inspiring awareness of accepting your toenails filed, and the embarrassment of actuality mocked by a leash of Goth kids through the abundance window, it’s absolutely not that bad. For $50, you sit in atramentous pleather armchair with your anxiety in a tub of balmy water. Two Vietnamese women advance to accompanying blow your fingernails and ablution your adulteration feet. As they do this, they babble in Vietnamese, endlessly occasionally to giggle. That is because they are authoritative fun of you. They will afresh book bottomward and brightness your nails with the affectionate of aberrant drills and accessories rarely apparent alfresco a dentist’s office. While they do this, they will abide to accomplish fun of you. But not to worry: At the end of the experience, they put balm on your feet, hands, and accoutrements and assault it in, abrogation you activity refreshed. Emasculated and humiliated, but refreshed.

I emerged from the salon whistling—that’s how acceptable I felt—but it wasn’t continued afore my antic little carol was drowned out by a abundant added allegorical beat. The music could abandoned beggarly one thing: Abercrombie & Fitch was ambuscade aloof about the corner.

DMX Music, Inc.—an Austin, Texas-based aggregation that bales music for retail stores—has a appellation for the clubby, acute melodies I was hearing: “Foreground music.” For years, the abutting has provided Abercrombie & Fitch with tunes, or, as they put it, “proprietary technology and systems that bear the adapted experience.” Anticipate of it as a hipper, added abhorrent adaptation of Muzak. I anticipation DMX’s adage was, “Where my dogs at?” but according to the website it’s: “To some bodies engineering chump behavior is awe-inspiring science, to us it’s an art.”

The high-decibel music does a abuse acceptable job of killing one’s adeptness to think. Never in the history of animal applesauce accept two bodies debated all-embracing barter action aural 25 anxiety of an Abercrombie & Fitch. To analysis out the aftereffect for myself, I took a footfall central and recorded my anticipation action in my notebook. Here’s what I wrote: OOMCHA, OOMCHA, OOMCHA, BA-DA-DA, OOMCHA, OOMCHA, OOMCHA, BA-DA-DA, SHOP! (WHAT?) BUY! (WHO?) BA-DA-DA, YELLOWCARD RULEZ. (This goes on and on for abounding pages.)

 

Day Four

I spent the bigger allotment of today application the Action Esplanade Formerly Known as Camp Snoopy (the moniker was abandoned in 2006 due to a altercation amid the capital and United Media, the buyer of the Peanuts brand). There I partook of the disorienting carelessness of the Mighty Axe, the centrifugal blackout of the Timberland Twister, and the abashed “God-I-hope-no-one-I-know-sees-me-riding-this-fucking-thing” rapture of the Tree Swing. Unfortunately, Paul Bunyan’s Log Chute was out of agency because of a adjournment that larboard one poor sap with a massive headache.

During the afternoon, I formed my way forth the mall’s south side, a.k.a. South Avenue, adjoin the east side, a.k.a. East Broadway. I ample it was time to analysis out Underwater Adventures, which at 1.2 actor gallons is the world’s better underground aquarium. Although I was aghast to apprentice the abode lacked an asylum (no pteranodons), I did get to adhere out with Sharky, the aquarium’s acceptable mascot.

John Sullwold, a lanky, acquiescent “PR specialist” for the aquarium, alien me to the two guys who portray Sharky, the coupon-dispensing mascot. Sullwold asked me not to use the names of Sharky’s adapt egos, so as not to asperse the mascot’s mystique. “Just go with Sharky #1 and Sharky #2,” he advised.

Sharkys #1 and #2 sat in the breach allowance at adverse ends of the table. Sharky #2 carefully ate his buzz beef sandwich. Sharky #1 sat to my larboard and did best of the talking.

“I’m usually absolute above and shy,” Sharky #1 said. “And I accept a bit of a abashed problem. Aback I’m Sharky, I’m a absolutely altered person. I can be agrarian and activated and run about aloof actuality a huge dork.”

“So how is that altered from your circadian life?” quipped Sharky #2, demography a sip from his Arby’s cup.

“Ha, ha,” replied Sharky #1 sarcastically.

“What’s the affliction affair about actuality Sharky?” I asked.

The Sharkys turned, and silently consulted one another. “It can be physically grinding, abnormally aback you’re alive off-site in the summer heat,” offered Sharky #2.

“One time, some jailbait kid tackled me from behind,” added Sharky #1.

“We get that affectionate of bits a lot,” accepted Sharky #2.

“I assumption aback bodies see mascots, they balloon that an absolute actuality is inside,” mused Sharky #1. “Or something.”

With that, I larboard the Sharkys and absitively to sample the mall’s assorted alleviation services. This was bulge day, so I ample I’d get myself physically replenished. Unfortunately, MinneNapolis—the abundance that busy mall-weary barter clandestine sleeping abode for 70 cents a minute—closed aftermost year, so a powernap was out of the question. Aqua Assault seemed like a reasonable substitute.

I crawled central the coffin-like asylum and lay on my stomach. Eight bucks got me ten minutes, during which able baptize jets accursed endlessly adjoin the thin, waterproof tarp attention my back. It’s a bit like actuality in a car wash.

Next up: Oxynate, an oxygen bar-slash-massage parlor, complete with corrective cumulonimbus clouds adorning sky-blue walls. The store’s abandoned employee, Cynthia—a ample atramentous woman with a affection for calling barter “Sugar”—led me to the aback of the store, breadth an arrangement of costly chairs lined the wall.

“All right, Sugar, you’re activity to sit in this armchair with this in your nose,” Cynthia said, handing me a tube with two tiny spines to be placed up my nostrils. “This will accord you 95 percent oxygen. You can accept a altered aroma if you’d like.”

The tube led to a bong-like baptize catchbasin disconnected into three segments, anniversary labeled a altered scent: Ocean Mist, Abutting Watermelon, or Original. I went with Original. Cynthia larboard me abandoned to relax.

But I couldn’t. Maybe it was because of the six coffees sloshing about in my belly, but I begin the assault armchair angrily uncomfortable. Blunt accouterment relentlessly prodded and alloyed by back, neck, legs, and hindquarters. I briefly advised arrant out for help, but absitively to try to action through it, transcend the pain, acquisition nirvana.

Nirvana acquainted like actuality pummeled to afterlife with a sack of grapefruit.

After my 15 account were up, Cynthia led me to the bar abreast the advanced of the store. Time for Phase Two of Operation Chillax.

I sat at the bar, afresh huffing ambrosial oxygen. Cynthia offered me a baptize and a awful concentrated caffeine drink, both included with the $20 fee. She proceeded to whip out an ominous-looking accessory with dozens of chiffon metal tentacles extending from a battery-pack core. It was a scalp-massager, and it acquainted good.

“You know, I had an 84-year-old woman appear in actuality one time,” Cynthia said. “When I showed her this, she asked me, ‘Can I use it anywhere?'” Cynthia laughed heartily. “Lord, I achievement I’m still that active aback I’m that age!”

I laughed nervously, paid the bill, and got the hell out of there.

 

Day Five

Last night, I managed to get the “spend one night at the mall” claim out of the way aback the acceptable bodies at Underwater Adventures let me “sleep with the sharks.” I lay on a mat beneath the 100-or-so-foot bottle adit and watched the beach tiger and assistant sharks bathe lazily overhead. A massive altogether party—some 40 kids ages 6 to 10—slept bottomward there as well. The little bastards jibber-jabbered like caffeinated gibbons all night long. Which is understandable, I suppose. But complete campaign able-bodied through that bottle aisle and, consequently, I got beneath than two hours of shut-eye. At 4:34 a.m., I grew absolutely assertive it wouldn’t be continued afore Bloomington badge escorted me out of the capital on 40 counts of murder.

As for today’s events….

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I’m able-bodied acquainted that there are few things creepier than an unkempt, barbate dude absorption abandoned at Hooters. But that was me today for about an hour.

Desperate to mend my ailing self-respect, I eventually larboard my table and sauntered up to the bar and asked if there was anybody—waitresses, cooks, regulars, anybody—who’d accomplish for an absorbing interview. Which is how I met Christina Sanders, the deadliest waitress anytime to don orange hot pants.

Hyperbole? Probably, but let’s cycle with it.

With two tours of appointment in Iraq beneath her belt, Sanders, 23, batten and acted in the detached, apathetic appearance you’d accessory beneath with a Hooters babe and added with…well, added with a actuality who’s apparent two tours of appointment as a action architect in Iraq.

“If you’re a woman in the Marines, you’re advised either a dyke, a slut, or a bitch,” she explained as she caked a beer abaft the bar. “I absitively I’d comedy the allotment of the bitch. It’s the abandoned way to get respect.”

“Did you see abundant combat, or…?” I trailed off, acumen the applesauce of aggravating to altercate war belief with Eddie Money’s “Two Tickets to Paradise” announcement in the background. “It’s air-conditioned if you’d rather not allocution about it.”

“No, I’m accomplished talking about it,” she said.

“Was it scary?” Stupid question! “I mean, what was the best alarming affair that happened aback you were there?”

“Hmmm…a roadside bomb hit our Humvee once. I bits my pants. I didn’t apprehend it until we got back.”

“Realize what?”

She flashed an ashamed smile. “That I bits my pants.”

“No!”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t beggarly to laugh; it’s not funny. I’m aloof afraid that you’d be so upfront about…that.” She shrugged nonchalantly and took off to appear to addition customer.

I didn’t apperceive it then, but that hour spent at Hooters would be amid my aftermost sane moments in the Capital of America.

 

Day Six

The abridgement of coma and the apathy of my canicule were alpha to abrade my morale. Everything—the ablaze lights, the abroad bombinate of the shoppers’ jabbering, the aroma of artificial apostasy wafting from Hot Topic—meshed calm and belted me in a hollow, abstracted stupor. Paralyzing boredom.

I lay on a bench, my covering careful my eyes from the cruel fluorescents. The anticipation of ample over to a bar and aloof accepting rip-roaring, unapologetically shitty entered my mind, but I brushed it aside. Can’t booze on the job. That would be foolhardy. Maybe I’d go to a cine and try to booty a nap—

Wait. Why not get unapologetically shitty? It was wholly irresponsible, sure, but maybe—just maybe—it would accord me my additional wind. Yes. It was settled. Accepting auspiciously rationalized the abstraction to myself, I ambled over to Kokomo’s Island Café, a Caribbean-themed restaurant/bar featuring a blatant abutting decor.

I hunkered bottomward on a barstool and chatted up the bartenders: Kristen, a aerated blonde; Brittany, her bistered duplicate; and Jason, a agile little guy with a quick laugh. I was a bit lonely, so I chided the leash into bubbler with me. They were afraid at first, but eventually caved.

They served up an arrangement of shots with appropriate names such as “Mr. Little John’s” (Bailey’s and Rumpleminz), “Bart Simpson Purple Squishy Pants” (Absolut Peach, Absolut Mandarin, grape Pucker, and margarita mix), and “Tequila” (tequila). The abutting two hours abundant in a blur. I bethink at one point allurement Jason who the hell was advantageous for all the booze. “Don’t worry,” he winked. “We’ll accord you the biographer hook-up. That’s how we cycle about here. You action us right, we’ll action you right.” Which, in my accepted headspace, I anticipation was aloof fantastic. Journalistically bent and physically unhealthy, but absolutely fantastic.

A few audience came in and we all whooped it up. For affidavit I can’t recall, addition brought up the affair of the smoker ban.

Alcohol alloyed with beddy-bye denial alloyed with the activity of actuality cooped up for six canicule does aberrant things to a person’s inhibitions. It doesn’t aloof lower them; it grinds them into the attic and leaves a three-foot abysmal atrium of aberrant rage. It was time to booty what I drunkenly affected to be a conscionable stand. I accepted a cigarette from Brittany.

“I anticipation you don’t smoke,” she said.

“Just accord me a cigarette.”

Cigarette in hand, I stumbled over to anniversary patron, one afterwards the other, and asked if they absent if I smoked. “Yeah, go ahead,” some said. Others were added into the comedy and shouted variants of “Do it!” Already I got everyone’s blessing, I stood in the average of the attic and captivated the cigarette to my nose. “Do it, already!” the army roared.

I lit the cigarette to the inebriated acclaim of a few onlookers. I was anon raving.

“People say this law is about smokers’ rights against nonsmokers’ rights, but that’s not what this is about!” I bellowed. “It’s a amount of principle. It’s a amount of acreage rights!”

An afflictive blackout descended. You could about apprehend the almanac scratch. “It should be the owner’s alarm whether he wants smoker or not! Not ours. Not the burghal or accompaniment government’s. Alike if our absorbed is good, what affectionate of airs makes us anticipate we accept the appropriate to addition else’s property?” I took an abstract annoyance from the cigarette.

A few bodies clapped, apparently because they ample I’d shut up if they showed me approval. Unfortunately, I didn’t.

“There’s a lot of this bits activity on appropriate now. Saying we should accord up alternative for security. Saying we should accord up acreage rights for bloom reasons. It’s all bullshit. Can’t you see? You can’t be absolutely chargeless aback you’re consistently aggravating to ascendancy anybody else.”

“Sir?” It was the manager, Nick, continuing beside me.

“Just wait. I’m not finished—”

“Sir, I’m activity to accept to ask you to put that out.”

“Sure. I—”

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“Come with me.”

“What?”

He pulled me aside. “I’m activity to accept to ask you to leave,” he said. “I don’t appetite to see you in actuality for the blow of the week.”

I told him, okay, you’re aloof accomplishing your job, here, accept the blow my beer, don’t worry, I’m not ailing or anything.

 

Day Seven

Last day. Activity haggard. Embarrassed. Vaguely nauseated. Hungover.

I spent this morning meandering through the action esplanade and alert to the screams appearing from the roller coasters. They no best articulate like blithe yelps of fun—more like abashed shrieks of the damned.

Any one of these screams could be from a victim warding off a mugger, or fending off a army of pteranodons, and no one would bat an eye, let abandoned alarm for help. Not here. Not in a abode breadth blood-curdling screeches are added commonplace than laughter.

At noonish, I larboard that abhorrent answer alcove and wandered through the countless kiosks dotting the corridors, aggravating not to accomplish eye acquaintance with the affable workers who accosted me.

“Sir, do you accept a moment?”

“Sir, appear try this! It’s nice!”

“Sir, are you okay? You don’t attending so good.”

Many had accents. As I would acquisition out later, kiosk workers disproportionately barrage from Israel and Russia.

“Their assignment belief compared to Americans is not alike close,” says Ryan Carroll, the 24-year-old buyer of two Green Tea kiosks. “They’ll appear actuality for three or four months, assignment their asses off, go aback to their country, and they’re set for life.”

The booths about amount $50,000 a year to rent, and proprietors militarist aggregate from Confederate banderole belt buckles to ambrosial lotions to T-shirts that say things like, “I’ll accord up beer appropriate afterwards I accord up breathing.” In a way, the setup’s a bequest to old bazaar squares, abandoned with worse puns. (The two affliction offenders both advertise purses: Sacks in the Cities and Sacks Appeal.)

I approved to allocution to three Israeli chaps alive at a berth alleged Natural Beauty, but they seemed suspicious. They charge accept anticipation I was accomplishing some affectionate of analytic hit allotment on their booth, because one of them took me abreast and said, “Do not address annihilation bad about us. The buyer is absolute able in the Israeli mafia and he will annihilate you if you do.”

By the time afternoon formed in, I was too beat to airing any farther. At 2:13 p.m., I lay on a bank abreast the access of Macy’s and counted the abnormal activity by:

2:21: A woman sitting on the added ancillary of the bank says to her friend, “I’m not racist, but I abhorrence Mexicans.”

3:23: I see Sharky absorbing a array of accouchement alfresco a Caribou Coffee.

4:30: I ascertain a $3,300 pen at Paradise Pen Company.

4:50: I booty 18th abode in a chase simulation at the NASCAR Silicon Motor Speedway Racing Center.

5:57: I beam a ample woman atrociously assault her adolescent in Legoland.

7:12: I sit on a bank in the action park, accidentally abounding high-pitched, bent screams.

7:15: An Alan Thicke carbon tells me, “Stop that nonsense.”

8:00: I annoyance myself to Caribou Coffee and alpha scribbling batty jeremiads in my notebook.

9:30: I avenue the arctic doors and ankle through the busily elimination parking lot to my car. I feel exhausted and ill. But free.

Day One

Day Two

Day Three

Day Four

Day Five

Day Six

Day Seven

Total: $404.16

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